By Erin M. Moss, LMHC
One of the most common reasons people seek therapy is for relationship issues. The relationships you have in your life can either make you or break you. For this reason, it is no wonder why we need support in this area.
A relationship gone bad, or the loss of a relationship can greatly impact a person’s well-being. Even if you feel secure within yourself – breakups are tough. There is no getting around that. After years of helping people process the ending of their relationships while learning how to navigate my own; here are some tips to help you find your way through.
Allow yourself to feel your feelings
Many people bottle up their feelings. Why? Feelings are uncomfortable. For yourself…for others. Feelings put us into a vulnerable place. So instead, you tell yourself that you are okay. And you almost believe that, until something triggers a memory. Then you are transformed into a ball of emotions. Understand that a breakup is a loss that comes with its own grieving process. Validating your feelings is important. They won’t just go away overnight. It takes time. As we say in therapy: the only way out is through. So, you need to allow yourself to feel your feelings. Then work through them in a healthy way. Therapy, yoga, walking, and journaling are great ways to process your emotions.
The stuff left behind
That sweatshirt, sentimental cards, a photo in a frame … what to do with the stuff left behind? The things that once made you smile, have become a sad reminder. Some people prefer to get rid of everything. While others choose to hold on to things. It is really up to you. Remember, these are just material things that we place value on. The memories are forever in your heart. If you are the type of person that holds on to things, it may be helpful in your healing process to move these items out of your immediate sight. Simply storing them in a keepsake box or a closet will free your physical space. This also gives you the security in knowing that they still exist when you decide what you want to do with it.
Pace Yourself
Sl-ow down! Finding someone new right away will most likely create more damage to yourself. Go back up to “Allow yourself to feel your feelings” A person that moves on quickly is usually trying to bypass those uncomfortable feelings. “I have moved on and I’m okay now… right?” Wrong. It is only a matter of time before your feelings catch up to you. Not only will you hurt yourself by moving on too quickly, but you could also hurt the person that you are trying to get to know. It is better to slow down and focus on the relationship with ‘Self’
Journaling
Instead of turning to social media, take out a pen and a piece of paper. You don’t need an audience. Just sit with yourself. You could be avoiding doing that, which is why you look for a buffer. With the paper, you can put anything you want on it. You don’t have to worry about how it is perceived or regret what you shared. You deserve to have privacy and comfort as you work through your raw emotions. Journaling is so powerful because of this reason. These are your inner thoughts. Whether you prefer writing on paper, a laptop, or the notepad in your phone… just get it out. This is one of the most therapeutic things that you can do to process a breakup.
Don’t feel like you need to explain
People will ask you questions. Some out of love, others out of pure curiosity. Either way, you don’t have to explain anything to anyone. Feeling that you need to reassure others is exhausting and takes away from the personal work you are doing. People who feel genuine and safe to talk to, allow yourself to do so. But do not feel that everyone needs an explanation for your life.
Laugh when there is something to laugh about
I remember after Carrie’s break up in Sex in the City the movie, she asked: “Will I ever laugh again?” Her friend replied: “Yes, when something is really funny.” And eventually, she did. So will you. While processing your pain, life is still happening around you. Real healing is scary because it is a flux of different emotions. If you find yourself able to laugh and experience joy, go with it. That is a blessing. Remember both sadness and joy can exist at the same time.
Forgive
Forgiveness is the final step for your own healing. Forgiveness all around. To the person you loved that fell short for whatever reason. For yourself, you may have been holding on to something that you wish you could change. Forgiveness is what really sets you free. Deepak Chopra said: “Love is free flowing.” So, to truly love someone is to release them. Even if the person never knows, you know. It opens you up to love yourself in a whole new way… and eventually someone else who deserves it.
Be patient with yourself as you work through this process. This is just one season out of many seasons of your life. Have faith that things will turn around in your favor.
By Erin M. Moss, LMHC
Cheers to 8 years as a mental health therapist in private practice! I am so happy to be here! The number eight is a symbol for energetic vibration of personal power, determination, material gain, the pinnacle, recognition of work, lifestyle upgrades, rebirth, and transformation.
I know that I am supposed to be here. I started with nothing but my faith. I have worked so hard over the years. I am grateful that I have finally reached a place where I can see the rewards for my work. This is my God given passion. Even so, it is a lot of sacrifice. To show up for others throughout the years, seasons, and trials in your own life – This is not for the weak. So, I am proud. Proud that I have made it here and that I still enjoy this work.
People often want a quick route to success, but I don’t believe there is one. Instant success, yes. But lasting success takes time to develop. The fruit comes later… but it is sweeter. In the meantime, there is a whole lot of building. Falling on the ground and having the courage to get back up again.
Find what God has for you. That is where your success will be. It is the thing that you would do for free. I believe that there isn’t one path to success. Success can be a stay-at-home parent raising good little humans, the CEO of a company or a small business owner. It really doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you are fulfilled in your life. Do not let anyone tell you what that should be. Only you know what that looks like.
I encourage you to start building somewhere. Where I am now, took years and years in the making. Plant the seeds and one day, you too will watch them grow. Trust me, it is a good feeling!
I am thankful to God for continuing to carry me as I do this work. It does not have an off button. It is a daily decision. A constant reminder. An inner pull. It is one of the most challenging and rewarding things that I have ever done.
Thank you all for allowing me into your lives. Your stories live in my heart. I love being able to see you grow. It is a feeling that I cannot describe. I am just so appreciative that you have trusted me. I also want to thank my family and my friends who really are family as well. Thank you for taking me away from everything that comes with this. For allowing me to be my inner silly self! I love you all so much.
God, I thank You for changing my entire life. You continue to grow me through my work. Through the people I meet. The places this work takes me. I pray more people allow You to transform their lives as well.
To Eight Years! To God Be The Glory
Erin 💛
By Erin M. Moss, LMHC
I love being a woman. Everything about it. I think I was born dancing and twirling around. I am reminded of how sacred it is to be a girl and feel safe and seen as I look at my niece. From her dolls seated at her tea parties to her glitter lip gloss… I can so identify with that time. Just feeling free to be herself.
But something happens down the line during the growth of a young woman. She begins to doubt herself. The world tells her she isn’t good enough. Everything from her body, to her hair to her life choices… why can’t they just be her own?
As much as everything in me loves being a woman – it’s hard. The struggle is even more real being a Black woman. Our stories are so rich and beautiful but also have elements of trauma. I see this in myself and women that I have worked with over the years. I have come to identify this as just part of the Black experience.
When a Black woman comes into therapy, she is tasked with not only healing herself but, also breaking generational curses. Traumas that existed in her family for years and years. It’s just a lot. This is why a lot of my outreach is tailored to women who look like me.
So often we are portrayed as “The angry Black woman” This has been ingrained in our minds so deeply. It is not uncommon for a woman to be sitting with me and express that she is afraid to speak up in the workplace or in a shopping store for fear of being seen under that narrative.
I’ve talked with many cross sections of women over the years to know that everyone experiences all kinds of emotions. So why are Black women not allowed to have a range of emotions? Why can’t we be happy and sad. Angry and passionate. Excited and scared. It’s hard enough being a woman. It’s even harder when you are held to a different standard.
I have created a list of positive affirmations for Black women. I encourage you to use them to speak life into yourself.
Positive Affirmations for Black Women
By Erin M. Moss
- I deserve respect. It is not unreasonable for me to assert myself. I understand that we teach people how to treat us.
- My hair is beautiful. It’s my crown. Whether I wear it naturally or in a protective style, it’s mine and I will wear it as I choose.
- Girl, you were born worthy!
- I do not have to settle for struggle love. Even if I’ve seen unhealthy relationship dynamics around me, that is not MY story.
- My skin is beautiful. It tells stories. I am covered from head to toe in brown sugar and honey. It shines like the sun. It makes me proud.
- I deserve kindness, compassion and understanding.
- I am enough.
- I give myself permission to heal from the things that hurt me.
- I deserve to feel seen in my workplace. My thoughts and ideas are important.
- It’s okay to ask for help. I don’t have to make a way out of no way all the time.
- It’s a strength to allow myself to be vulnerable. I don’t have to have it together all the time.
- God loves me. I am His beautiful creation.
by Erin M. Moss, LMHC
For many, the New Year is looked at as a time to reset and work on getting somewhere. We tend to jump full force into our goals. So why doesn’t it work? I think our intentions are good but the expectations could be unrealistic. Instead of aiming for immediate results, lets shift into embracing the process. Here are some tips that could support you in accomplishing your goals:
Pace Yourself
What is that saying? “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” Well, it wasn’t. Most things that are great take time to develop. You are no different. Instead of racing to reach your goal, enjoy the ride along the way. Embrace that at times you will have different levels of energy. Try to work with yourself instead of against yourself. Remember, as long as you are still moving you will get there.
Plan for Setbacks
In a perfect world, we would cross the finish line of meeting our goals with no bumps on the road. In real life, things change day to day. Your life is constantly moving. We are impacted by our own obstacles and those of the people we love. Success doesn’t equal a life absent of problems. It’s learning how to ride the waves of life. It’s adapting to changes. It’s falling and having the courage to get back up.
Positive Self Talk
In my practice, I sometimes see people stuck in a cycle of negative self-talk. This is the person that will constantly beat themselves up because they are not where they believe they should be. I
have to help them understand that it is unlikely that you will reach your goal by shaming yourself. Try replacing negative statements: “I can’t do it. I’m not good enough” with realistic positive statements “I’m trying every day. I’ll get there eventually”. You will find that
encouraging yourself helps you to stay focused on your goal. It also can serve as a motivator when you hit a setback.
Make it a Lifestyle
I think part of our problem in accomplishing goals is the timer we carry with them. People tend
to set Jan 1st as the starting point for their New Year goal. This is often followed by an estimated completion time. So then you start, you stop – then you try to start again but, it’s coming up on the time you “should” be completed with your goal… so you give up. How about making it a lifelong goal instead. It can have a start point but it doesn’t have to have an ending point. Most of the positive things we desire in life (good health, better relationships, career success etc.) work on a continuum. We don’t just stop when we get there. Very much like a garden, your life will always need tending to.
Surround Yourself with Support
Reaching a goal is so much better when the people you love are included in the journey. There will be times when you need encouragement. There will be times when you need accountability.
The people that make up your support system have your best interest in mind. They are people who want to see you grow and reach your goal. They are also the people who are waiting to celebrate you at the finish line. Your tribe is everything! If the people around you now are not working to build you up, this could be one of the reasons why you have had trouble reaching your goals.
You got this! Wishing you all the best in the New Year.
Happy 6th Anniversary to my practice! WOW 6 YEARS–This year I’m reflecting on the growth. It’s just amazing to see. I understand how I got here. I can feel all the hard work in my body, in my bones. One day I woke up and realized how far this practice has come. One day I turned around and seen people that I’ve worked with in middle school and high school that are now adults making their own way in life. It’s just fascinating.
I think one of the best rewards for me is that I can see my own personal growth alongside my clients. I had someone say to me in session: “You’ve gotten even better.” It was the most sincere and honest compliment. The kind that makes you take a step back and reflect.
This has always been my passion. But even still, you can only go as far as your life experiences. As I reflect on the many years I’ve spent talking with clients, long before I opened my practice –
I realize, I am now a grown woman.
I’ve always had the knowledge base of mental health but now I bring the woman who has lived the life. It has opened up a whole new level to what I can provide as a therapist.
It’s interesting when the psychology theories you’ve studied for many years and the woman you’ve become join together. It brings tears to my eyes because I don’t exactly know when that happened, it just did. These are tears of joy.
I have always had a passion for working with women and girls, but this has made it even more of my focus. We need to protect girls and women. Hear their stories. Cherish them – love them. I have finally wrapped the hug around my inner child. I forgave the young woman that didn’t know what I know now. I am free. At my practice, every day I reach back to help other women out of their traumas and strongholds.
There is so much depth now. And I just thank God. For growing me, giving me vision, and allowing me to support others.
Michelle Obama said in Becoming “It’s important to have a place that you know as your home. One place where people know you, they’ve seen you grow up. Where people don’t have to make up a story about who you are. It’s what keeps me grounded.”
Thank you to my family and my friends who have become family. This is exactly how you make me feel. And as this vision continues to grow and spread out beyond what I ever imagined; I realize this is what I will always need in my life.
To everyone I’ve worked with, I’m so proud of you! All the amazing things you are doing in your lives. To be a part of that has always been so special to me. Thank you for allowing me to hear your stories. Know that I am forever grateful for you.
Let’s keep pushing… Together!
Erin ❤️
